I like myself better without you .

That was the profund finding I brought home from my recent trip to Mexico .. I did so much soul searching while I was there and learned a lot about myself … one of the most important things I learned was that I like who I am more without him …. it sounds far fetched and doesn’t sound like it would be a huge epiphany but for me it is ….  the one thing that led me to discovering this was the very fact that I was in Mexico alone … no kids .. no husband…. period … if I’d have been with him and married to him I never would have been allowed to go on this yoga retreat in the first place … he never in a million years would have ” ok’d” it or any other version of me getting away for a few days with girlfriends to clear my head… in fact; while making the kid arrangements with him over the phone prior to me leaving he asked who I was going with and where I was going and when I refused to tell him he was irate …… 

    So for me this trip meant alot of things …. it wasn’t just a trip with girlfriends it was a sense of new found freedom… I was now  able to be myself and not the version of me that he needed me to be … 
   

      Last night was another reminder of the new me … I took my little girl to Disney world for their Halloween party last night … while in line at the front entrance a guy walked up and asked one of the workers if he could use a phone .. she simply said no .. so I offered mine to him immediately.. he made his quick phone call to a family member that he’d gotten lost from .. he thanked me and as I walked away with my little girls hand in my hand I felt her lock eyes with me and she smiled up at me … she didn’t have to put words to it .. I already knew her thoughts .. she was telling herself that what I just did was a nice thing an she made a mental note of it .. I can only hope that one day she treats strangers just as I did .

     My second thought while walking away was this …. had I have been married even without my husband being there I never in a million years would have offered this man my phone … and not because I didn’t want to ;  but because it would have never been ok with my husband because it was a man ….
    I like seeing pieces of the new me …. I like who I am now .. it’s who I have always been but it’s been repressed for so long that I forgot who I was before him ….

Facing the hurricane…. mentally and physically…..

There is a massive hurricane threatening Florida right now; it is 4 days away from landfall and everyone is going crazy in preparation for it. The shelves have been empty of water since the weekend and gas station lines are wrapped around the road just to pump gas. They have evacuated the keys and people on our coast are also evacuating today and tomorrow. As for me… I am sitting at starbucks sipping on my venti americano and doing some writing…. This storm brings up so many bad memories from last years storm that threatened to make a direct hit in our city;  my ex and I were spilt up for one year at that point; I was seeing someone at the time ( the cowboy who my kids adored) and he was with the same girl that he is with now ( the girl who threatens to kill herself every time he tries to breakup with her) …. My ex and I were still ” talking” at that point .. ( meaning we hadn’t ruled out reconciling ) so when the  storm was threatening landfall and everyone was in this same panic him and I had discussed our plans; I told him no way were we evacuating and that we were staying in our house to ride it out; just me and the kids ( My boyfriend was in North Dakota for work at that time) so my ex ( T ) came to the house to check our generator for us to make sure it was still able to run when the power went out.. he sat down on a bucket in the garage..he put his head into his hands.. he was distraught.. he was torn.. torn between two worlds.. the one where it is just him and his girlfriend of six months where he gets to play the part of a bachelor who lives kid free and then the world of his (almost ex) wife and 4 kids who are always around …… he admitted to me that although he wanted to stay with me and the kids; he couldn’t do so because his girl friend would be alone… in that moment I knew.. I knew that because he literally chose this girl over being with me and our 4 kids with a category 5 storm approaching and expected to make a DIRECT hit on our actual town; he still was choosing her… that could only mean one thing.. his love for her was stronger than his love for me …. I could see it in his eyes he wanted to stay with her but needed to be with us … he let his wants win that day and never came back until after the storm…. I cried ,,, I screamed…. I called my dad… cried some more to him… my dad confirmed that if there ever was a chance for us to make it that he was throwing it away by not picking us to keep safe……

The storm; thank GOD shifted at the last moment and saved our city … and my boyfriend made a surprise trip to Florida at the last minute and ended up staying with us through the night to ride it all out and stayed after to take the shutters back down that T had his workers put up for us… so all was right in our world again and we dodged another attempt to get back together….

Fast forward to almost one year later and me sitting here at starbucks with friends and family texting me… I wouldn’t even dare ask him at this point to stay with us.. mostly because I know he wouldn’t and I would not want him to on any level…. We had the discussion yesterday ( on attempt number 2 because the first attempt was me telling him over the phone to F*CK off because it brings back bad memories from last year when he abandoned us for her….. I did call him back and hour later in a calmer mood and we had an actual real talk that was part hurricane discussion and the other part laughing like old times over the fact that his mom was freaking out and telling him to leave florida)….. I bluntly told him over the phone that although it is technically his weekend that there was no way that he would get them during the storm even if it was over my dead body.. If it was okay last year for him to not keep us safe then it will be this time too… I will be with my kids through this storm..just like I should be and if he attempts to get in the way of that… I am pretty sure I will be more dangerous than this Category 5 / 185 MPH for him…..

 

 

 

The dreams will get you ….

Yesterday’s real life events played into my dreams ( nightmares) again .. I woke up from a dead sleep this morning screaming and crying out for him..it is still a mystery how this didn’t wake D up who was asleep right next to me; but it didn’t…  I remembered my dream so clearly and it felt so real…. he was in his truck…. I was leaned through his window begging him not to leave me.. I was holding onto him with my head on his shoulder…his shirt was soft, he smelled like the old T and felt like home… I did not want him to leave me but he did not want to stay.. he was trying to get away from me.. he wanted nothing to do with me or my begging him to not leave me… he wanted to go home to her….and I knew this..in my dream and in reality….

I knew exactly what had brought this dream (nightmare on)……… the day before was a Friday and when he came to get the kids he had the boat on the trailer and was taking them fishing .. he couldn’t get through the guard gate so I offered to drive them to the gate so they didn’t have to walk….. but before I could do that I had to text him and make sure SHE wasn’t with him because I wasn’t about to ruin my whole weekend by seeing the two of them together. She wasn’t in the truck so I brought them to him ..and that was just enough to bring this on…

Now I am in the kitchen making breakfast for D and I hear a familiar song on her iPad … its sorry Mrs. Jackson … a song that was out when we first started dating…..The emotions are so strong that I have to focus while standing in the kitchen to not let these thoughts drop me to my knees…but for a split second I imagine that that is what I do…. I imagine I fall into a puddle on the floor in front of D… and I know exactly how she will react… she will walk over to me… … she would rub my back and tell me it was ok and that she loved me….not even needing to ask what was wrong…she would already know….. What it must feel like to be a 7 year old girl and watch your mom cry like this has got to be brutal but to also know that it is your dad who is hurting her has got to be far more severe than my 7 year old self ever had to deal with…….  I am not going to let this happen today…… I refuse….. I fight through all of the negative thoughts that try coming through….. until I am reminded of all the positive things I have in my life because of him… and one of them is sitting in front of me….

 

Life goes on………

This girl ….

    She’s my significant other  ….. my wingman , my life organizer, my sounding board, my go to for every decision I make (sometimes even the smallest ones because indecisiveness is my weakness ) …I truly don’t know what I would do without her in my life … (especially these turbulent last two years) .. when I introduce her to other friends they are actually envious and a few have told me they need a “kelly” in their own life .. she’s one of a kind … one of those people who gets along with anyone and everyone and treats everyone like they are a forever friend … that’s just who she is .. whether it’s the cleaning lady , neighbor down the road or the waitress at the taco stand…. she treats them all the same ( could be the southern in her )  she’s also the girl we called in the middle of the night when I went into labor with Delaney ( and the entire pregnancy I wanted to ask her to be in the room for her birth ; but I didn’t … and I regret that ) .. she came over with her toddler in the middle of the night to wait for the babysitter to get there just so I didn’t give birth on the highway … and if it weren’t for her Delaney would have been born on I-95 because we weren’t in the hospital for more than 15 minutes before D came out without drugs .. or a Doctor present .. the nurse delivered her … my mom didn’t even make it .. so thank you K for not letting D be a news story ! 

       I feel like she also deserves this post because she is also the friend in the post about friends and deception that I wrote about .. swearing I would never talk to her again … ( that lasted maybe 60 days .. and that is a long ass time for two chicks who do not go a day without talking .. sometimes 20 times a day )… turns out we both saw the incident that ( temporarily ) ended our friendship two completely different ways .. I saw it as she is on my team and should never have even spoke a word to my ex at all… I’m sure she saw it as an innocent gesture ( it was only a greeting and comment made in the middle of target .. nothing scandalous but it was enough to knock the wind out of me )  .. we have both agreed to move on from it and I’d love to say it brought us closer but I don’t even think it’s possible to get closer than we already are ..
        So last week when her real significant other texted me telling me he was throwing her a surprise party ( which meant I couldn’t call her to ask what the F I was supposed to wear to attend this floating party ) on a 100 ft yacht I could not wait .. she deserved every bit of last night and it was so fun to see her 𝑻𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌tell her man over and over again that he did such a good job … and he did .. 

Happy Birthday Girl … XO

No bad days . 

Only bad moments in the day … this is currently my motto . This gets me through rough times .. I fall back on this quote and remind myself it will pass .. yesterday was prime example ( more on that at the end so keep on reading y’all )… the dating world isn’t much fun guys .. it actually sucks so much ass that I cannot wait to NOT be part of this population of singles.. it could be because I’m a rookie or it’s strictly because 98% of the available men are fuck tards .. I really can’t decide but either way I’m single and I have never been single this long in my life ….when I was 14 I was in a 2.5 year relationship  and when that ended I jumped right into another relationship a few months after ending the first .. and was with him from about 16 until I was 18 or 19 when my now ex husband re entered my life at 19… the second I met my husband I just knew I’d marry him so again it was from one long term relationship and into the next so to say  the dating world is new to me is a comple understantement ….  and clearly I’m pretty damn good at being in a long term relationship vs. this single shit .. 

       For anyone that thinks for a second marriage sucks ( and some really do but you gotta be real and pick your bad ) I beg you to believe me on this ….. you should just try to imagine yourself doing what you do ALONE whether it’s with kids or without and then try to picture adding an unknown dude into the equation .. if he has kids and you do too; it tends to flow easier because there’s a better understanding of the kid life and all that it entails but it’s still awkward at first because maybe you have a 12 year old son who knows that you are dating and he makes comments such as ” mom he can come here but if he looks at you he’s going to catch these hands ” or you might have a 7 year old little girl who asks him to pick her up constantly and wants to do gymnastics on his thighs while walking up them and onto his chest .. or maybe your 10 year old is super sensitive and starts to really like the guy you’re seeing so when you have to end it ( because that’s what happens in the dating world … relationships end faster than divorces most times )… or maybe your 8 year old boy keeps quiet and just gives you a side stare while the guy is around and you never really know what that stare means .. is it evil ? Like why the fuck is my mom not with my dad ……or does it mean absolutely nothing ? You’ll never know because you’re too afraid to ask ( and deep down you know he wishes it was daddy because he’s told you a million times that’s his go to wish ) … or even worse he has a couple of kids and those combined with your 4 feels like an actual school field trip outing every time you go anywhere ( because … 6 kids !!! )… even better yet your kids don’t  vibe well with his ( this happened once and it’s beyond annoying and I thank god it lasted a minute and the guy was “just a friend ” in their eyes because I had known him since middle school)  …. or maybe those situations are just mine and mine alone .. maybe most singles flow from a marriage directly into a relationship flawlessly and their kids all manage just fine without side smirks and human jungle gym situations and at the wedding all the kids are involved and everyone brings home a puppy and lives happily ever after … BUT for me … option A is my reality .. 
 I haven’t introduced the kids to a flock of men ( there was 2 in the past 2 years ) and when I did it was light and slow … the first guy they absolutely adored and he adored them just as much … there were moments when I swore he loved my kids more than me and he did more fun things with them than I could ever have asked for and for that I’m grateful .. he even taught them motorcross .. they actually still miss him to this day.. they text him and bring his name up frequently.. the second guy I would love to pretend never even existed because it was very short and I ignored so many red flags with him that I’m sill mad at myself for wasting 2 months of my life with Mr. green eyes .. but he did have gorgeous eyes so it kinda wasn’t my fault since that tends to be my weakness .. I’m pretty sure the guy could look like a Rambo but if he’s got green eyes and long lashes I will sign myself up … 
    Anyway back to my day yesterday …. I have got myself into an unintentional (un) relationship…. not sure how that even happens but it does ( .. you start out as friends because there’s not even an immediate attraction) .. and it eventually evolves into something more .. this “friend ” isn’t someone you’d ever see yourself with nor are they even ready for what you are after in life … but they have also made such a permanent place in your life that you can’t just let go … so one conversation leads to the next and before you know it you are stuck in this emotional purgatory waiting to figure out what your next step will be … and it has to be methodical because ……. kids … so you’re not just having fun and dating around to see what kind of love might come… you’re in the business of figuring it all out or at least that’s what you think you should be doing … then there’s the other side of your brain that tells you to let it all be … and what will be .. will be ..
So here I am .. texting my BFF ( who always has the answers and knows my entire life and every next move ) asking for advice while I wait for my cappuccino to be made even though it’s 107 degrees out and my 3rd coffeee of the day ( first one at 4 am doesn’t count in my book).. 
    And as soon as I start to get upset or think to far ahead … I remind myself .. NO. BAD. DAYS !!!! Because really what is all of this compared to a divorce ? Pretty sure I can handle anything after that big D .. and as far as these kids are concerned I only need them … this big curly dog and our evening bike ride into the sunset .. and who am I to deprive them of that happiness while I try to find my own .. so off we ride … and I try to pretend to be as carefree as they are …. 

Hello old self…..

As I was cleaning out the garage yesterday I came across an entire plethora of old handwritten poems   ( YES, HAND FUCKING WRITTEN) and some of the material was nostalgic; as I can vividly remember writing most of the poems for a writing class in middle school and the 9th grade so I spent lots of time perfecting the writing, so the poems then became etched in my memory.. It’s interesting to look back at your old self especially in your teenage years when your problems felt like they were life shattering and could possibly end your world and stop the earth from spinning on its god damn axis…meanwhile in reality it was all over a stupid boy.. a boy that you may or may not even remember existed within 4 weeks or less but NONETHELESS you suffer with a broken heart and cry into your pillow in your dark room and wait by your clear phone with an actual CORD attached to it .. ( AKA: House phone) that lights up neon instead of ringing which is actually perfect because your parents don’t even realize you are on your phone at 2 am on a school night  ….. for the BOY to call you …

This one poem in particular I can remember writing and I also remember this boy being the one and only boy who ever hurt me… He was the bad boy type back then (which clearly I never lost the attraction to that type of guy)… I liked him ALOT.. we dated off and on for over a year ( school year? ) my parents would go pick him up from his house and we would go to the movies and we would talk on the phone a lot.. I remember one night that probably inspired one of these sad poems.. this night involved one of my best friends at the time and this BOY…. I found out that while my BFF and this BOY were at the movies that they had ” hooked up” I can’t remember exactly who told me.. its quite possible it was actually him who had done the confessing but either way I was a mess…   poem attached for your reading enjoyment)

I wish I could go back and tell the girl back then that she was a bad ass girl who deserved to be treated better by her girlfriend and her boy friend back then… but I am CERTAIN the girl writing that poem already knew that and did not need any coaching. Even back then my 14 year old self had enough confidence to pick up the pieces and move on from the incident. I was quick to forgive my BFF ( I actually pitted her; knowing she lacked the confidence that I had)  and act like it had never happened and even quicker to dismiss the BOY from my life after that incident.  My 36 year old self is grateful that there were no lasting effects of this incident that would shape me into anything but the emotional BAD ASS that I am today… throughout this divorce and turmoil I have prided myself on being confident enough to know that one day it will all make sense and refrained from blaming myself for the divorce…. just as I looked back at the poems yesterday I know one day I will also look back at these years and have just as much confidence in my 36 year old self as I did in my 14 year old self.

Ps. I threw the poems away along with a FUCK TON of other things form the past and it felt AMAZING.. I also Facebook messaged the “BOY” a picture of the poems and he apologized for inspiring the sad poems… no need BOY … I had already forgiven .

 

 

 

 

 

Mommy do you think you and dad will ever get back together ……

Those are the heart crushing words that my innocent soon to be 9 year old spoke tonight .. and it wasn’t the first time he’s asked this question .. or any of the other kids … this question was followed up by .. I really wish you guys would .. life would be so much better .. I leaned down.. kissed him and told him that I loved him and that his dad did too and that was more important than anything else .. told him how lucky he was to have us both loving him and the family .. even of it was from 2 separate houses .. then we laid on the couch and he told me how I was the best mom in the entire world and that he couldn’t imagine having another mom and that he was so happy I was his mom…. and all was right in the world again ..