It’s Memorial Day weekend … I decided a road trip was overdue for my crew .. we are down here in the keys for the weekend .. while I was picking the resort I went back and forth on a place to stay before deciding on this place … ( we have stayed at almost all of them here since I have been coming since I was a kid )…. as soon as I pulled up with all 4 kids I knew …. I knew this was the same place we’d stayed years before with T …. now I’m laying by the pool watching the kids play .. looking over at the exact 2 chairs that T and my dad had been lounging in so many years ago … I have the picture in a frame at home because they both looked so relaxed … now that’s all that is left … the memory … the image of him being here and there .. right over there …
And I have to ask myself … would I want him here ? Are we better off ? I am not sure but I know even if he was here … it would feel as if he wasn’t … like it always felt .. like a complete disconnect .. from me … from the kids … that’s the reason why even when we were married I would take so many road trips alone …. just me and the kids .. so this life .. this single mom like that I am living now is somewhat parallel to my old life…
Now to convince my brain to disconnect from him …
Ps. Yes; I am aware my 10 year old is dabbing
This is what keeps me up at night and weighs down the emotional chains that drag me back into the can’t move forward darkness hole ….. The thoughts start like this…. We were supposed to be married forever… We were supposed to raise these kids together (who has 4 kids and plans to divorce?) we were supposed to build our dream house together.. we were supposed to grow our business together.. we were supposed to watch our kids grow up together… we were supposed to grown old and die together….. After all; we were the couple that made it through all the odds since the beginning ..meeting each other under the circumstances that we did *more on that another day… and going on to marry at such a young age…. now look at us…. basically strangers who share 4 kids together and I only need him for a child support and alimony now instead of all of my other needs that I must now meet myself…. And this is still one of the hardest parts for me.. I am naturally a very indecisive person ( Ask my BFF; it drives her crazy!) so when I was still married I would go to him for every decision that I couldn’t make on my own.. even the smallest ones … and he would help me decide …he was extremely decisive like that ( must be nice)…. now I am in the starter house on my own while he is 4 streets over with HER I have the kids the majority of the time with the exception of Wednesday evenings and every other weekend …. I watch them swim alone in our pool and play with their friends without him there… the evenings are probably the hardest (loneliest) hours for me to fill.. these are the hours that he would have been coming home and we would have been eating dinner together and discussing our day or he’d be in the bathtub calling out my name to come into the bathroom so he could tell me some long ass story about work that I would have to stand there and listen to ( I would give anything to have this in my life again….or at least I think thats what I want back)…. He always used the same red plastic castle that our oldest (now 12) used to play with in the bathtub… this red castle as ugly and cheap as it looked in our bathroom it somehow never got thrown away after all those years and despite me being known for throwing anything and everything away…. So when the separation came I put the castle away in a cabinet so I didn’t have to be reminded of him using it to dump the bathwater over his head ( which I can literally picture as if I watched this moment yesterday)….. we have discussed the red castle and he knows its waiting for him if that day ever comes (it won’t )……..in these hours I know that my married friends ( pretty much all of them) are with their spouses making dinner and being a family …. while I single mom it to 4 kids …. so that garbage disposal that broke 2 nights ago and the spaghetti that is sitting in the sink will sit in there until I come up with a way to fix it or it fixes itself … (it has happened before!)…. it used to break a lot and he would come home….take all of the stuff from under the sink out and work some magic on it and it would be as good as new….. if only everything else was that fixable and easy….. These evening hours are when the negative thoughts creep in and take over my heart…. and this is usually when the how it was supposed to be banter replays itself over and over again in my head until I lay down in my bed with my little girl curled up next to me ( she has slept with me only since the divorce… never even co slept as a baby or toddler)… but here I am with 3 kids in my bedroom ,, 2 of my boys sleep on my floor every night ( same scenario since divorce) and together we close our eyes and sleep in this room that was SUPPOSED to be T and I alone…. and in the morning we will wake up to another day of SUPPOSED to’s ….
Some random thoughts for the day..lets start with the fact that I have been MIA for quite awhile and that could quite possibly be contributed to the fact that my life was a series of mine fields blowing up in my face in what seemed like every direction went….Not that it is much better now but I can at least attest to the idea that I do have my emotions under control….. So lets do some catching up and then I can start to dedicate one post per subject matter..
First and foremost my BFF who I decided had betrayed me ( maybe I was being dramatic…maybe I wasn’t but either way I do not want to live without her) is back in my life and I am not quite sure how I lived without her for 2 months…
Just as my almost ex husband and I were discussing therapy and getting back together I met someone ( Who I am NOT with now)
The divorce moved onto another mediation and is almost finalized ( That shall take up an entire post and probably suck the life and happiness out of me so I will save that one for a rainy day!
So this separation / divorce has brought on lots of changes… some of the first real changes came in the beginning when it all first went down and those were the “friends” they were the first to go….. The first friends who had to go were the ones on “HIS” side… these were the obvious sacrifices and although at first it hurt to see the lines drawn clearly in the sand; I was not blind to the fact that this was part of the process and almost a completely necessary sacrifice ….. I will say that although his mom and I always loved each other and had a connection and at some points before any of this we both agreed that no matter what happened with me and her son that we would forever remain friends … but we didn’t….at first…. it was too torturous for the both of us.. too hard for her to remain neutral over her first born son; and I totally got it… so we went our separate ways….
There were the other friends of his that were wives of his friends; these friends naturally stuck with him because of their husbands friendship to my ex; again 100% understood and I understood this…. there would be a time when they would have to socialize with his new girlfriend and wouldn’t it be so awkward to remain friends with both of us? No; this is not all the reason for the elimination but it did play a factor in it because if this wasn’t a reason from the start it would be once this was actually a real thing….
However; what I never saw coming and I am not entirely sure this is an uncommon thing or not….. was MY best friend and the end of our friendship…. I had asked her from almost the very beginning to stop all communication with him because it just didn’t feel right to me to have her going back and forth between the two of us.. what if she slipped and told him something that I never intended for him to hear but most apparent was the things that she would come back to tell me that he had said..it was WAY too hurtful to hear your BFF have more privy to the emotions of your husband when it is all still raw…..she did not understand this and continued on with the communications and once even told me that NO she would not stop talking to him on my behalf because there was no reason for her to… ( UMMMMM yes there was ) I let that sink in and although I didn’t like it….I sucked it up because who else did I have to vent to and go through his with and she has been there for every step of the way….
Fast forward to one year later when that SAME friend sees your ex and although she knows damn well that him and I are still friends she must have assumed that he would not tell me the things that she was saying to him….. She was wrong …. we haven’t completely lost the connection with each other ( knowing each other since 3rd grade will do that) so he did in fact tell me what was said and as soon as the words made it through to my heart I knew it would never be the same again…… I can forgive for lots of things ( I forgave my mother in law who made a shitty Facebook post about me in the beginning …. thats water under the bridge because I am a forgiver and I understood it was anger that drove her to write this post and it wasn’t how she truly felt )… but what I cannot and will not forgive is the behavior of someone whose actions define their morals… I will forgive… I will probably eventually forget … Her words opened my eyes to what a few close family members were warning me about her and she proved them right in an instant.. her loyalty from the beginning was not with me…. I will NEVER entertain the thought of being friends with this person again… and how sad is it that people want to play both sides… what does it say about them as a person? To me it says everything….. so YES friends until the END….and it is THE END.
Some days all I see is red and rage … today is that day .. my heart beats fast .. I have anxious moments .. and I want to jump out of my skin …
So on days like today … I conquer the hate and rage with exerscise .. it’s just what I do .. usually I would run 10 ish miles just for fun .. but since I recently spent $500 on a mountain bike .. I will be hitting the trails instead .. and following that up by a solo lunch ..
There’s so much that bring these emotions on but today it is likely the fact I’ll have to see him at my daughters Christmas show that is the culprit ..
I will get through this .. and I will do so without a single breakdown ❤️️
Apologizing is a powerful thing .. sometimes we apologize because we truly are sorry for something we said or did … sometimes we apologize for hurting someone even though we don’t see what we said or did as needing an apology but we do it anyway ….. what is harder to accept is NOT getting an apology for being betrayed and hurt and instead being fed a mixed bag of excuses … that’s when there is no forgiving because how can we forgive when there is nobody at the other end of forgiveness … that’s when the lines go silent and there is nothing left to say .. no moving forward and no speaking … what is there to speak about when you feel so betrayed ? You surly won’t be discussing anything big or small when there is an elephant standing in the room waiting to be noticed ..
An apology goes a very long way … and so does an explanation as to why the mistake was made ..
It’s days like today that I can’t wait to look back on in a year from now and blow my own damn mind how far I have come since then ….
But as for today … today is just heavy … I can’t want for the day to come when I feel whole again.. 💔